Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Goat cheese is for herders.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye