Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
men are simple creatures
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job