I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
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If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god