I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I triple waxed for this?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.