ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Autocorrect completely socks
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose