My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
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Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Weirdos gonna weird.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…