I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Feels
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.