If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
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*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.