Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
They’re the worst 😩
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
It’s an epidemic…
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.