Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here