lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
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“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
This one’s “Alex”.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
not to brag, but mine was free
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not