app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I feel like one of these would kill a European
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
When they try to steal your moment.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??