If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
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Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits