one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
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2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Guys, I found it.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*