Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
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Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.