For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
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How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”