Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
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Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill