What if the weather talks about us?
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I never needed anything more in my life
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.