By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
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Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Pat is about to own someone
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.