ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.