I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
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Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
excuse me
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.