#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Rooting for the overdog
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
No chill.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.