Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house