I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…