After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
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I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Breaking news:
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
good work, everybody
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar