My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
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My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
finally found a reasonable question
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Denise please return my vape pen
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.