Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.