her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Very good news from my accountant
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.