When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet