Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
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My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.