romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
You Might Also Like
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
This raises questions