Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
You Might Also Like
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!