My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
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[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.