You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
You Might Also Like
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin