ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
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Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year