somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Great acting.. 😂
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.