Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
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Thoughts
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.