You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985