The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.