Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.