[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I just love that new Pope smell.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
What the hell is going on?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night