reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Sponch
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET