I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
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You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.