Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
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Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”