Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
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*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
it’s finally my moment to shine
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out