Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.