My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
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[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Nice try, NASA
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.