GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
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Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
step 6: release the wall snake
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes