The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Battery falling down a hole
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
OH. COME. ON.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Has there ever been a more American story?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.