[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
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Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.